I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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