none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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