you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
