the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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