I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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