Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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