she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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