she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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