you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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