I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
