is your mom at the bar?
It's Friday. Sex?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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