I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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