i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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