I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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