That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
