I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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