Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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