I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
