it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
