I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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