she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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