but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
