allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
