So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize