Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
