At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
please don't ironically join a cult
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