i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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