I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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