I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
