i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
