Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
