I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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