I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
