Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
