Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
