I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
