just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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