So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
