Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
