i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
