Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
