Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize