Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
