Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
