why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
