I can feel you judging me through the phone.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He called his prostate his "boner button".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
