Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
