This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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