And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
