So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
