I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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