seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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