Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
