How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
