The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
