If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
