God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
