apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
