you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
