the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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