My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
