With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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