Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
