theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
