Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(905): View more from Toronto

So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises

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(281): View more from Texas

I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

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(845): View more from New York

Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.

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(530): View more from California

dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(980): View more from North Carolina

good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend

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(979): View more from Texas

Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever

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