I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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