you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
