dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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