I should be sponsored by Trojan
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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