It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
