Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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