Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
