this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
