The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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