I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
